I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
