my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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