Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
