So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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