you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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