where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
