this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
