I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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