I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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