its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
