i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
