so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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