I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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