I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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