How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
