i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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