He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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