cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I want you more than these girls want KFC
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
