i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
