thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
