i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
