Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize