he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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