I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
