Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
