I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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