highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
