remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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