my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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