You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
