some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
