u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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