the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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