Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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