I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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