im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
