God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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