I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize