3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
