His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize