My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
