I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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