He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
