I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
