if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
