I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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