Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
