I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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