Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
