sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
