She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
