who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize