We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Someone came in the potted fern
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
