I faked an abortion last night.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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