Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize