It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize