hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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