yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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