i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
