there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
