all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
