The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
