go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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